Cafe de Mello

Saturday night the waste line from my garbage disposer jammed; sufficient pressure built up behind the jam to push all of the drainpipes out of position; and I (who was trying to fix the problem) got soaked with freshly ground garbage. I felt like Obama working on the economy.

I wasn't responsible for the jam, and who was remains a contested issue. Like Republicans, some who work at my sink seem to have forgotten what they flushed through the system, and have suggested that somehow it is Obama's fault (any factual underpinnings for that claim seem to be lacking, but when has that bothered a Republican.)

After briefly debating the formation of a fact-finding commission to establish responsibility and recommend prosecutions, I decided the kitchen was better served by looking forward, not back, and quickly developed a plan to fix the problem.

Disconnecting the drain lines went easily enough, although I discovered that the collar that holds the line to the sink opposite the disposer was cracked and would have to be replaced. My opposition told me this was an unreasonable intrusion into the system. Was I supposing that I knew better than the system what parts should be replaced? Who was I to arbitrarily replace the collar at the top of the system. I had no choice but to ignore the opposition; I was trying to fix the system.

The next item on my agenda was a straight wastepipe that ran from the disposer to the drain. Research showed that someone in the past had bypassed the need regulation of a P-trap, between the disposer and the drain line. This likely was one source of the problem.

The wastepipe is attached to the disposer with a metal flange that attaches with two ¼ inch bolts, one of which unscrewed easily. Unfortunately, the other was so frozen that the bolt head broke off. This, of course, was an unforeseen problem that added cost and time to solving the problem (not unlike the bailed out banks deciding to hold the bailout money rather than lend it).

After removing the flange, I discovered that the wastepipe was damaged and lacked the proper collar at the end. This had allowed the seepage that had frozen the flange bolt, and had to be cleaned before a new unit could be installed. The cleaning obviously increased the cost (time and pain).

My old bolt and screw extractor set was nowhere to be found, so I had to purchase a new one. "The budget! The budget!" my opposition screamed. "The deficit is increasing perilously. You'll be passing these bills on to your daughter." But I was determined we had to invest in our infrastructure. I could hardly pass on to my offspring a sink that drained wastewater onto the floor. Gross.

With much effort, I drilled the appropriately sized hole in the center of the headless bolt, inserted the extractor, applied pressure, and "snap" the bulge of metal around the bolthole cracked off. The disposer was now officially dead.

"See! See!" my opposition cried. "It was all an error, a waste. You should have left it alone. It would have fixed itself!" Really? That was their plan? "You could stick it back together with bubble gum," they suggested. Ignoring insufficient solutions, I set to work removing the disposer.

That too proved more difficult than it should have. Ignoring the regulations, my predecessor had assembled the drain without using plumber's putty, which led to seepage that corroded the disposer's mounting bracket. What should have been a simple job, took an extra hour and cost me much skin (for which I had not budgeted).

After another fight over budget deficits, a new disposer now sits on the kitchen table. It would have been cheaper for me to plumb in a standard drain and connected it to the old line under the other sink, but garbage disposers are expected infrastructure in this neighborhood. Ultimately, when I sell the house, taking the cheaper route would cost me more. Cheaper is often short range thinking.

Now I must trade my writers cap for my well-worn work cap (cap and trade works), but I do so reluctantly. Plumbing is near the top of my list of things I prefer not to do even though I can. Had I more disposable income, I would hire a plumber. For now I think I'll give Sam "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher a call. Having caught Joe's act on "Real Time with Bill Maher," I think Joe would be better off volunteering his time to install my garbage disposer and drain lines. That way Joe could be responsible for eliminating garbage rather than creating it.