News Flash: President Obama Agrees with Republicans and Eliminates All Czars

In a surprise move today, President Obama announced his agreement with congressional Republicans.

"The presence of Czars in America is simply un-American," he said, "and the use of Czars has tarnished the legacy of every president since Richard Nixon appointed William Simon to be his 'Energy Czar.' And like no other problem, this practice has ruined the reputation of President George W. Bush, who appointed 47 Czars to 36 Czar positions.

"It is obviously difficult to gain a real understanding of this controversy, since no one has the word 'Czar' in their job title. One man's 'Regulatory Czar' is another man's Administrator of the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, Office of Management and Budget. However, I, President Barack Obama, am ending the un-American practice of appointing Czars. After today, anyone that I, the vice president, or any member of my cabinet refers to as a Czar will immediately be dismissed.

"Those in the administration who have cumbersome job titles, such as the aforementioned Administrator of the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, Office of Management and Budget will henceforth be known as honchos.* Those with minor job functions may be known as 'little honchos.' Those with more responsibility, such as the previously cited Administrator of the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, Office of Management and Budget may be referred to as 'major honchos.' I, of course, will remain the head honcho.

"There remains the problem of congressional oversight. Since at least 8 of those some have called Czars have been approved by congress, it is obvious that the presidential intent was never to avoid congressional oversight, but to avoid clogging the legislative process by requiring confirmation of minor bureaucrats and technocrats. This practice has, until now, been deemed to be in accordance with The US Constitution, Article II, Section 2, which allows the President to make appointments with the advice and consent of the Senate and further provides that, 'Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

"Many Congressional Republicans have, however, expressed their concern over such appointments. And since I do wish to cooperate fully with Congress,. from this day forth, I will require all those hired by the executive branch to be confirmed by the Senate. Furthermore, to insure unbiased oversight, I am recommending that confirmation committees for most appointees be selected only from the Republican members of the Senate. Monday I will be sending forth the names of 20 Mail Distribution Officers and 35 Directors of Word Processing functions for such Senate Confirmation.

"To be fair, because confirming all these appointments may prove a burden for Republican Senators, I will recommend to Senate Majority Leader Reid that they be excused from their other duties and that the legislative agenda proceed without them."

*Honcho is military slang dating from the Korean War. It referred to someone in-charge of a specific function. For example, the Officer in-charge of garbage would be the Garbage Honcho, a function which has now been taken over by Glenn Beck.